Distinguishing Identity

2010-03-27T18:40:00.000-04:00

Swidget 1.0great free widgetsWidgetboxMore info

FINALLY GOT MY MARKS...

2009-06-15T18:09:00.002-04:00

lmfao so I have been waiting like 2 weeks for my Film, Television and Society mark to come in. My TA was horrible, I just spoke to my prof, and he said he had handed it in late. that muhfukka! It's horrible I got the first three letters of the alphabet in the three courses I took. Film, Television and Society - A Environmental Art and Culture - B Introduction to World Religions - C lmfao...religions? I didn't even go to the lectures, plus I didn't hand in a few things... oops! oh well, I still passed. Plus that damn tutorial was way too early in the morning. It takes over an hour and a half to travel to school, and then to be at 8:30am? NOOOOO SIRRR. lol NEVER will I do that to myself again. Environmental Art and Culture, oh man...me and my girl Tanisha were so lost in that class, we hardly paid attention in the second term. I will not lie, I didn't really pay much attention, but I passed lol with flying colours none the less, again my papers...well lets just say i didn't put much effort into them. Film, Television and Society, I loved that course! however, I couldn't say that the TA was any good. bleh. OHHH WELL!

Dear You

2009-05-13T22:31:00.002-04:00

Dear You; I know you can’t really hear,

But what your momma called to tell me was the worst of my fears.
I didn’t ever think I would never hear from you again,
From the moment we met we were nothing but best of friends
She called and told me that she had some bad news,
Said I should sit because it was something about you.
I got scared; I didn’t even know what to think
A little girl who had a daddy and then lost him in a blink.
It’s so strange to me, that almost 2 years ago today,
Was same time that Tasha was walking away.
I can’t fathom the idea of the little one,
Finding out that Daddy had no where to run.
Your daughter, I’ll treat her like she’s mini me,
Make sure she grows up with love from an aunty.
With tears that have started to roll down my face,
I know that no one can ever take your place.
I wish your mom told me sooner so I coulda came out to N.C.
Being by your side is where a friend should be.
But your mom didn’t want me to worry, thought it’d be too much to bare,
But as one of your very best friends I knew all I could do was care.
It’s been years since you’ve moved, and we’ve been through so much
I remember everything about you, from your scent to your touch.
Acted like my big brother when I needed you the most,
Telling me not to cry over burnt toast.
I’ll forever love you TK, and that will always be true,
You’re forever a part of me, and I was blessed to have known you.

RIP Tyler King 1984 - 2009

Invisible

2009-05-01T11:54:00.001-04:00

"Why can’t you see me Do I really even matter You changed me completely And I remember how it used to be I got question what’s the lesson I’m tired of being confused and I’m I’m gonna take my chance and fly I’m taking back my life I gotta find me another way Cause I don’t wanna stay another day Time for a change in my mind I’v opened my eyes I’m changing my life And now I’m gonna live my life for me Cause this aint how it’s supposed to be No more standing in the back of the line Cause I’m invisible for the last time" -- Jennifer Hudson, "Invisible"

This is completely how I feel right now. bleh...it's a weird situation to get into.

Reminiscing the Past.

2009-04-14T23:05:00.001-04:00

I miss my youth. I miss being too tough to care. I miss playing football with the guys, without someone thinking that I'm fucking with one of them. I miss all of that and more. I miss when my great-grandmother would give me orange Tic Tacs just because. She never used to eat them, she was a diabetic, but she'd always have Tic Tacs in her bag just for me, my brother, and my cousin. It was that love that I felt as a kid I feel I can never get back at this time and age. Things are different now, people expect you to grow up so fast in this world. I mean think about it...children are wanting to wear bras and they're not even developing yet...or they're already 10 and fully developed. I don't know, I mean I would give anything to be a kid again. I'd love to run in the grass without a care in the world, stay home and play video games for the rest of the week without having to think "this is how much money I'm wasting because I'm not going to class". The world is so different from this perspective. You actually start to see how the government school system doesn't help prepare you at all unless you had the right teachers who actually gave a fuck about you in school...like it wasn't actually just a job to them. They enjoyed it...they made sure their students would succeed in the end. In all my years in school, I think I can only think of 5 teachers who actually cared about my well being back then. It's kinda sad...

Lessons Unlearned...

2009-04-05T23:38:00.002-04:00

Wow...I just got some unsettling news, and I don't even know what to think of it. It's sad really, young ass hell...not even 16 and you've just thrown your life away as though it was nothing? ARE YOU SERIOUS? I watched you grow up...and now this is what you've done to your life. All I can do is wish you the best. I know your brother is caring for you, I know that he would help you out in any way that he could...but he won't be there for your whole entire life. He can't hold you hand and say "this is what you're doing wrong...this is what you need to change...this is how you can become a better person, this is how you can become a great dad". It's just not that easy, you're going to have to learn for yourself. You've made some difficult decisions in your life. You've got to turn it around. I won't say your life is over now, but it can be changed...you just gotta figure out how to do that on your own.

Dream.

2009-03-24T21:51:00.002-04:00

A thousand aspiring souls arrive every day in this city of angels with a single dream. They are all kids trying to make it.

- A. De la Rosa I'm stepping up in the game, I'm trying to make it out here with no day off. But it feels like a day off, where's the payoff?

He's Back...

2009-03-24T15:08:00.001-04:00

but I missed his call, I don't know how. It's just good to hear is voice again, even though it's on my voice mail :)

I can't forget...

2009-03-19T12:11:00.001-04:00

Sadly I had a hard time going to sleep last night and I don't really know why. But *he* seemed to be in my head. I haven't seen him in a year, and I haven't even heard from him since approximately January. I don't know, I don't get it. I hope he's ok. I hope it wasn't something bad so I just had this feeling last night which stopped me from having a great nights rest.

Red Velvet

2009-03-11T11:45:00.001-04:00

I came home from school only to find that the hoe was sent to my house. she got one kiss... she released...and almost jizzed on herself she will be christened soon.

No Happily Never After...

2009-02-21T00:25:00.005-05:00

"No, happily never after
That just ain't for me, because finally
I know I deserve better after all,
I'll never let another teardrop fall."
-- Pussycat Dolls, "Happy Never After"

This month has been a whirlwind, to say the least. I started going back to school after 12 weeks of my school's contract faculty, TAs and GAs going on strike. Love...let's just say it doesn't exist for me to say the least. The most loving and lasting impression this month has come from family, and friends who actually care. My Best Bud was there for me through it all, and I've got to thank him for that. USPS fucked up my gift for him as well. Family "issues" if you don't know about it...don't care to ask please because I'd rather not bring it up anymore. I'm just glad things are better. Tradgedies...thay came in multiples...I thought '09 was my year? I turn 21 this year, but it looks like instead of taking steps forward I've taken a trek back in the direction I was many years ago. It's not a good thing, and I sincerly don't like it...but I guess that's what's going to make me because I'm not about to let anything or ANYONE break me anymore.

In this past month I think I've learned more about myself than anyone would have ever guessed. I learned that love isn't all it's cracked up to be...or maybe it wasn't love but mere infatuation? who knows. relationships with friends...dont work out for me at all! When shit happens...it happens in multiples...now that I think about it...that's been true all my life. I leave myself vulnerable way too much, I think the walls have become thicker than cement brick that hold up an entire school structure.

Being Sheena means...

2009-02-06T23:53:00.001-05:00

1. You go to shows where you're constantly moving because you're afraid of getting run over. 2. You'll never have a set definition for disaster or anything even synomously related to the word because you're always getting into it. 3. You never believe you'll become a cat lady, however, you have 5 cats that adore you at home. 4. You have a new story to tell atleast once to twice a week. Usually it involves some sort of disasterous behaviour. 5. You get people sending you photos to your mobile device. 6. You recently joined the iPod revolution. 7. There isn't just one crazy moment that sticks out in your mind, because you always have so many of them. 8. You must watch disastrous movies just to say you've seen them. Even if your friend has told you it's absolutely horrendous. 9. Your mom doesn't look her age. 10. Most important of all... you have a friend like me who one day record a list of your disastrous behaviour in order to turn it into a sitcom. Which, will be absolutely hilarious.

Too Emotional...

2009-02-03T00:48:00.003-05:00

It's been too much of a whirlwind roller coaster ride today. hurt...has become the lasting impression i guess you could say of the day. Tommorrow is a new day, tommorrow is different...tonight i'm cutting things out. refreshing myself...deleting many things. throwing out things cause i can't sleep. best advice given "don't let them break you". I won't. I'm giving myself a fresh palette. I don't want to retrace old steps, never did...never will. Bottling in won't work...I guess I gotta rely on my best bud, my book of poems, and a new journal must be purchased. Shit can't be published about things like this...people will read into it and try excuses. Tash...I'm gonna miss you girl.

Blocked off, Blocked out.

2009-02-02T16:50:00.004-05:00

The walls have become thick, higher than the CN tower, and I don't know when or how it's going to come back down again. I don't think opening myself up to vulnerability will ever be something I will allow lightly. I'm straight faced right now, and probably will be for a while. It's me against the world again, my life rests on my shoulders, and it's not going to change. Friendships lost, connections once gained are thrown out the window...things change I guess. No matter how hard I tried to act... it hurts, I guess. Back to the basics it is...

Too Little...Too Late.

2009-02-02T00:48:00.004-05:00

York University Students, Back To School Monday. But if you ask me it's too little, too late. I won't be able to pay for university on my own next year, nor will I have the ability to rely on OSAP because my parents make too much money. Where does that leave me? Asking parents to pay for tuition. HORRIBLE! WTF is wrong with these people?!? I'm honestly fed up. I could be making enough for tuition, books, cost of food, and going out....AND still have extra money left over if it wasn't for this retarded bullshit I swear!

Yes...We...Can!!!

2009-01-20T19:46:00.007-05:00

"Never give up, pursue your dreams. You can make it regardless of skin colour, Racial stereotypes, Gender barriers...etc. It's all about the content of your character." To witness history in the making is an incredible feeling. It gives us hope, it makes us believe. He's an incredible speaker. I wouldn't doubt that many people got emotional during his inauguration speech. He has become an incredible motivator when it came to getting people out there to vote, and now he's given hope to so many people around the world. He is proof that we can make a difference in the world.

Obama Inauguration Speech - Full Text

Things I've learned from my boys.

2009-01-19T17:05:00.001-05:00

- If guys really wanted hairy pussy, they would have bought themselves a cat
- If they agree like it's going out of style, it may be because they want you to stop nagging
- meeting chicks when you're not sober is like playing Russian roulette. She may have problems or just look horrid
- Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.
- They cry too.
- They love their mommas.
- A guy who really likes you may sacrifice his lunch money in order to make sure you're taken care of
- If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't always need to give advice.
- You can never understand them, unless you listen to them
- They love girls with brains rather than mini skirts, but both wouldn't hurt
- It's not easy for a guy to let go of his girlfriend after they broke up especially when they've been together for 3 years or more
- A guy may instantly know if the girl likes him but can never be sure unless the girl tells him

Deceit.

2009-01-19T11:28:00.001-05:00

This seems to be a definite problem with my life. I notice more and more that I must be weary of how much I can trust a person. No matter how much I want to trust you it's hard because I don't know what constituted your lying to me to begin with. So yes, that gives me a reason to be weary of what you've told me. Although, I'd love to say I can put the past behind us, and allow us to grow I question your motives. You just can't trust motherfuckers these days in this world. The more it seems I get to know a person, the more it seems I find the truth behind them. The way they just want to get to know you in order to benefit from your financial status, the way they think they can manipulate you into believing any/everything they have to say. I find it hysterical.

School's a bitch.

2009-01-18T22:55:00.003-05:00

I've finally come to the definite realization that this strike happening is fucking up my entire school year, not to mention a job that I could have had lined up for me when school was over. Due to the fact that the government would not pull in and force a back to work legislation, I may perhaps be out of a job this summer which would have paid me a whopping 13.50/hour for doing absolutely nothing. I'd just like to thank the York Falculty and the Ontario Legislature for fucking with my entire year. I've been out of school now since November 6th, 2008. Last I checked, that's been approximately two and a half months...correct? When we get back into classes there will be a two week period, in which I am to cram for winter exams? Then 11 weeks of classes before another 2 weeks of exams? How does this benefit my being? You're cramming an extra 2 months supply of assignments, and readings into this period, which will make things extremely rushed, and will not allow me to put my all into my program. I have already paid...IN FULL, may I add, my tuition since the beginning on the winter term. We should have started our spring term as of January 6th, and you're fuckin with me! If the ratification is not voted 'yes' as of Tuesday. I swear I'm gonna go apeshits all up on the York Campus. I don't know how York is expecting me to pay for tuition fees next year, fees are rising...and now that I'll be stuck in school until atleast late May. I won't be able to pay off next year's tuition, resorting in loans I will have to take out. Those loans will be harder for me too, because my parents make enough money, PLUS there will be a ton of others stuck in the same predicament as me. YOU FUCKIN SLUMBAGS!

Open Letter to Him

2009-01-17T10:32:00.004-05:00

Dear Worthless Man. Wait not man, Boy. Am I insane for fallin for you, yet again? Am I crazy enough to actually believe the words that are coming out of your mouth? Do you actually think after all we've been through, I will come running back into your life as if I was some long lost puppy dog? You've really gotta be kidding me. After everything I had to go through without you being here without a simple goodbye you think I'm gonna come crawling back. You've definitely split your wig. Simple and plain for the 12039182093810238 time, i'm not interested in being a part of your life in that way. You did somethin' worth the unthinkable and I'm not gonna bear being a part of it any longer. I will not be your arm piece, I will not do this or that for you...etc. You can say goodbye to the old me, and witness the cold heartless bitch you should expect from me now :) Sincerly Yours, Your worst nightmare.

lawls.

2009-01-16T11:14:00.005-05:00

This made me laugh last night. If you watch Degrassi:TNG you'll know why. Ol' preppy white girl named Holly J (Charlotte Arnold) did this rap in a mini set of webisodes called something like "If Jay Isn't Happy" or something to that extent.

Yo my name is holly j, and you gots to be told
When it gets into the winter months it starts to get cold
But luckily for everyone, you will not shed a tear
Cause comin’ round the corner is the holiday cheer
It’s gotta be hardcore, hardcore, hardcore…
When you standin under the mistletoe that hangs above the door
Do I have to make this clear, should I write it in a note
Just put your arms around me and stick your tongue into my throat
Booh-yah!

Vblog 2

2009-01-02T13:18:00.002-05:00

VBlog 1

2009-01-01T23:06:00.002-05:00

A New Day...

2008-12-31T16:02:00.004-05:00

Setting the sun on one chapter and openning the next. I have learned a lot over the year and I guess this will just be my way to express things as this old year clears the air and we make way for a bigger and brighter future.

I've learned people should never make new year's resolutions, actually I've known that for a while now...but still I sit here and watch as people make countless resolutions they know they will never in their right mind be able to keep lol.

I realize that you cannot completely move on, without complete closure of past relationships. Regardless how much you think you're over a certain person by just shutting them out, you still in your heart have something there. I've been through that atleast twice this year, and I can't say I'm not still going through this. There is still that feeling of "What if?". I won't live in that wonderous moment, but as I say "things always have their own time for happening. it's either meant to be, or not. you can't force anything". i would never try to force anything, it just wouldn't work out.

I realize that sometimes friendships mellow out like water and disappear, all due to the stupid things that people tend to do. People just can't seem to keep my name out of their mouths, and I'm not willing to bring their drama with me into the new year. It's a fresh start with drama free worries.

Job wise, lets just say recession has been a bitch. Horrible jobs have come my way, but you stick with it because of the money. You have horrible co-workers, people you feel you wouldn't care if you never see a day in your life ever again...umm then you have those great moments filled with people you will never forget. I'm sad to see Air Farce's Final Flight. I'll miss it, and all the people I've met who have been associated with the production, and all those other productions we've worked together. It would have been I believe my fifth season if I was able to work it this year. ahh the good times. Now may the new year be splendid, filled with love, passion for what you do and happiness. Because that's how I'll be starting mine off.

So Much I Wanna Say

2008-12-07T01:55:00.004-05:00

I approached you with butterflies in my stomach the size of birds
And although I haven't spoken, my eyes have said a thousand words
I peered into your soul with a look of extreme passion
Standing in sudden amazement as I watched our chemistry clashin'
I gazed in your eyes and imagined your lips against mine
As I watched our souls dance sexually on cloud 9
And for a fraction of a second, I watched our hearts combine
As we were stuck in this moment, we lost track of all time
My ears listen as hard as they can as words roll off your tongue
And as I inhale, I breathe your passion deep into my lung
I stood beside you hoping you shared feelings the same
As I felt your heart's desire fall upon my skin like rain
And as I placed my hand ever so gently in yours
I threw down my blackbook and opened my committment doors
My heart begins to race a thousand beats per minute
As I see a picture of happiness and you and I were in it
Then we kissed and I think my body reached ecstacy
Then I opened my eyes and realized you were not next to me
Baby this is how I feel, but I don't know how to approach you
So I put my heart in this poem and baby, this is what I wrote for you

If I was published...

2008-12-06T19:00:00.001-05:00

I have always had a dream that I would one day have a piece if work that I was able to publish. Many stories including my own autobiographical novel on love, friendship, heartbreaking moments...etc. There are so many stories I know I would have the ability to tell with lessons learned in parenting, and being able to get your life together again from a fallen moment.

I also got to thinking what else could I do? I mean publish poetry that I have written about factual life events? Something like the published works of Tupac in "The Rose That Grew From Concrete"? I'm serious about this at this particular moment. I want to be able to share my works with the world?

Scams

2008-12-05T07:41:00.001-05:00

Alright so I was watching Oprah yesterday afternoon and it was showing all these people who have been scammed in the past and the different kinds of scams out there. Now I will be one to admit I was scammed almost a year ago now, by someone I had thought to be a friend. Yes. Even a friend can scam you, so be extremely careful who you accept things from or for. Even when you think it's your closest friend.

Dear You...

2008-12-03T03:56:00.002-05:00

You mean more to me than any other man who has walked into my life has. You complete me, and make me feel whole. You help ease my pain in times of misery, and over the past 5 months have become such a big portion of my life. I appreciate you for all that you've done, and given me. To answer your question from our conversation tonight, I truly wish things were that simple that I could say "yes" because we definitely know how much I would love to be that person.

Celebrity Frenzy!

2008-11-28T22:24:00.002-05:00

Alright so I worked on the Gemini awards today and I would just like to say Brendan Fehr is absolutely gorgeous! Shenae Grimes, needs to get off her high horse. umm gotta congratulate George for his victory. Also I have to say WTF? Leah Miller? Hottest Canadian Star? Are you shitting me? Like seriously? I think that was a horrible viewers choice award.

You Don't Know Squat!

2008-11-27T13:00:00.004-05:00

Alright so, I've decided to open up my world to the view people who ACTUALLY read this blog lol.

- I'm one Asian person where if you call me Chinese, I will actually be Chinese.
- I speak two dialects, Toi San more often than Hakka
- I confess I don't like letting people into my life, because I am most often disappointed in them after a while.
- I confess I am afraid of getting my heart stomped on, so I tend to distance myself from people after a while.
- I am afraid of love, and afraid I could have made mistakes in the passed.
- My paternal grandfather passed away when I was seven, at 107 years old.
- My maternal great-grandmother's passing was the hardest for me to take.
- I have had friends commit suicide.
- Diabetes runs in my family on both sides.
- I am determined to make a name for myself, even if the world tries to stop me.
- I am in the Environmetal Studies program at York University in Toronto.
- I one day hope to leave Toronto, in pursuit of something new.
- I bump...hip hop, r&b, soca, reggae and alternative music.
- I love dub poetry, especially after learning so much from fellow Jarvisite d'bi young. She's an amazing person, and I definitely love her writing style.
- I have taken a step on the wild side and experimented with some drugs before, definitely not my cup of tea.
- I believe in the ability to stop world hunger, as crazy as it may sound to people - I love Tyler Perry movies, and plays.
- BoyzIIMen has been the group that I've followed the most. I'm so happy to say that I had the opportunity to meet them. They're definitely an amazing group of individuals.
- I work in the television industry, doing a lot of production assistant work, as well as audience work.
- I've met plenty of celebrities, the top of that list has to be working with Trish Stratus, and meeting BoyzIIMen.
- I actually enjoy eating oysters, snails, and shark fin soup.
- My family owns plots of land in China, passed down from generation to generation. We used to own a plot of land by the Disneyland there.
- I have a ton of family in China that I have never met. However, they tend to know me
- My mother has 7 sisters
- I have a load of cousins living in Toronto on my mother's side alone, more than I can count on both my hands.
- I used to collect TY Beanie Babies, but now tend to collect shoes. My shoe collection inhabits a corner an eighth of my room and the bottom of my closet.

I Remember...

2008-11-26T23:43:00.004-05:00

------

I remember when I had first heard this TLC song. I didn't really know the lyrics very well and I was always wondering why it was talking about Jason's waterfalls. lmao...yea pretty horrible don't you think? I mean you have to admit I was only about 7 when the song first came out in 1995. Sadly I can't remember the last time I messed up some lyrics that badly, but I'm sure that day will come soon haha.

Mind Sex

2008-11-24T22:09:00.002-05:00

------

For once in my life I would like for a man to stimulate my mind rather than attempt to continue to talk about sex or attempt a physical relationship without trying to open up my mind. It's the most horrible thing I can think of to be in a relationship and have no basis because the only thing they want to realise is the physical chemistry between two people.

To have a love that has the ability to pick apart your brain and teach you something new is the best feeling in the world. However for the most part, the people who I have encountered have shown me that many people out there only care for a quick suck and fuck. That's definitely not my style, nor will it ever be. I could never be sexually active with someone who I didn't care about. Nor have any feelings for, it just wouldn't make sense to me.

In My Name

2008-11-22T22:08:00.002-05:00

In my name, I call for change. To end world poverty, and make a change. As one person we don't have the power, but as a whole we can come together and make a difference. I call upon our world leaders who have agreed at the United Nations Millennium Summit, to reach our goal set for 2015. Help make a different and combat poverty, hunger, disease, illiteracy, environmental degradation and discimination against women. In order to make a change, we must act now. Instead of making me be a leader, our world leaders should be leading us to change.

I Am... Me

2008-11-22T12:25:00.002-05:00

I may not be the the stereotypical female
I don't wear make up,
I could care less what people have to say
And I am happy because,
I am....Me.

I could never be a model,
No where near a size double zero
I work harder for my money
Than just a shot at money
But I am happy because,
I am... Me.

I can't stay away from sports,
I love athletics.
I care even less about makeup
This keeps me happy because,
This is Me.

This is who I am,
I don't care to change.
I am who I am,
for reasons I've named.

My True Love

2008-11-22T01:06:00.010-05:00

I place my hand upon your chest,
as I feel the significance of your warm embrace.
Feeling so soft and sensual,
with lips that hold no taste.

Opening my arms wide,
in order to free my soul.
Love is something unconditional,
something I can't let go.

More than just a lover,
you've become my bestfriend.
Whatever comes between us,
I'll be here 'til the end.

My heart is filled with joy,
what used to hold my tears.
Falling in love with you,
was the greatest of all my fears.

My heart was broken once before,
I don't need that once again.
You now make me feel complete,
my homie, lover, friend.

Where Do I Go From Here?

2008-11-18T15:07:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since I've been at school, okay so nearly two weeks. However, that's still a long time and now I don't know if I can get back into the school sleeping habits if I do indeed start school again soon. I've already been struggling with the subject matter this year and have been thinking where is this degree going to take me? How many more years will I have to spend in school considering I will most likely have to go for my masters in order to get somewhere decent. I just don't know if I really want to turn back and start all over again either, it has been hard enough as is. I hate science, yet look where I have ended up. Environmental Studies lol which also just equals loads and loads of science. But where in the world will this take me??

Stuck Where We Are...

2008-10-27T20:06:00.002-04:00

"With you is where I’d rather be, but we’re stuck where we are. It’s so hard, you’re so far... This long distance is killing me. I wish that you are here with me, but we’re stuck where we are it’s so hard, you’re so far... This long distance is killing me."

-- Brandy, "Long Distance"

Apparently this will be Brandy's new single. It holds a load of meaning to me at the moment, however that's not the reason I chose to write about this song. I just had an idea for a video scenario using this song. The idea I see behind this song is somewhat like Greenday's "When September Ends". You look at love, you look at family, and the only way of communication that people in the army, navy, air forces...etc have with their loved ones. Distance has become a factor in many of our relationships, regardless if we're living so close, sometimes things start to feel as if they're so out of reach.

I know friends who go through relationships like this all the time, the love is always there...however things like work, school, etc create a distancing between the two individuals. Lack of communication starts and you just start to distance yourself more from the ones you love. If anything, by being in this specific situation myself I have learned that you must continue communication, you can't just set up walls for yourself. Regardless if there is school, work, etc... there has to be some sort of time to speak to those you love, even if it's just a phone call or an email, or text... There has to be some form of affection displayed on both parts before all is lost. What could have been the best thing to happen to you, could be lost forever in a blink of an eye.

October...Snow?

2008-10-21T17:58:00.003-04:00

Why does it just happen when I walk out of class and it's gotta be snowing. What is up with that? Did it have to snow? I mean c'mon really...mother nature just couldn't hold onto it a bit longer? I can't stand snow. I hate it! Give me spring, summer, or fall over winter any day, any month, any year. I can't stand the slushie slush sweeping across my leather shoes, I can't stand the fact that my shoes will be ruined in a matter of a split second. I can't stand the fact that snow will also start to go into my shoe and melt so that it can create this "lovely" puddle that will soak my socks and keep my toes cold as hell all day long. I think I need to move down south.

Ladies Man

2008-10-20T22:52:00.006-04:00

I gave my little ladies man a mohawk today. I only get to see him about once or twice a week. I still remember when he was a baby, I can't believe he will be turning 2 very shortly. I caught him today watching some show and treehouse singing along with it haha. He likes to play video games already too!! I had him playing with the wii today and he loved it! I think I'm going to have to buy him video games as he grows up. I swear babies grow up in the blink of an eye. I mean Nicholas just turned 2, Cameron will be turning 2 in a few weeks, and one of my aunt's will be having her first child. I think my mom's side of the family just has way too many younger cousins coming about. My brother used to be the only boy, and then I came, then there were the slew of girls until Nicholas was born. Ahh big families...gotta love it, but gotta hate it at the same time.

To Give In...or Stay Focused.

2008-10-19T20:36:00.005-04:00

"It's easier to give into the pressures of life. It's harder to get over when you try to do right. Just stay focused and keep your goals in site." -Etana, Wrong Address

Over the past few weeks I've been giving a load of thought on the pressures of school. I've been slacking like a bitch, and this weekend I decided that's not where I want to be. I don't want to bitch out because I despise this program, I think I will actually attempt to stick it through. I had over a hundred pages of readings, essays, essay outlines and an exam scheduled to be done for this week and by putting my mind to it I've been able to atleast get half of it done.

I'm not one to just quit, I know I have to stay focused in order to get where I want to be in life. Although it may not help by just having a university degree by the end of my four years to get where I want to be, I know it will indeed help somewhat to lead me into a path I want to take. By starting this Environmental Studies degree, it has only helped me realize how much more my heart is actually in Radio and Television. That is where I want to be, so I'm going to be focused, I'm going to excel and I'm going to find a way to make my dreams come true. I'm not gonna sit back and watch life pass me by.

"I Get Knocked Down...

2008-10-18T22:30:00.001-04:00

but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down" Friends seem to come and go, now I'm beginning to believe I'm having one of those Lauren Conrad styled dramatic sequences in my own life. People who I tended to think were my friends in the beginning have started to spread some rumours, and have tried to take me down as though I have done something completely degrading to them. I'd love to know what or who has started saying certain things about me, but I mean whatever it is rumours can only help me better myself right? I've been very selective over the friends I have come across for the past several years now, I have officially started to spend more time at home than anything else because of this. No, it isn't because I have become a book nerd, or whatever you wish to call me. It's because I don't find the need to go out all the time anymore. I go to school, go to the gym, go to my sporting events, and then I'm probably at home most of the time. That's helped me better myself as a person as make me realize a load of things about myself, much of which are stupid decisions I have found I made in the past about who I became friends with. Over the past few years, certain situations have landed me in a few predicaments...trying to hurt me or abuse my being as I can sometimes come off overly nice. Well look at it all this way, I'm still here, still fighting hard. I'm like a ball...I bounce back fuckers.

Homesick? or Just Sick of Home?

2008-10-17T22:50:00.001-04:00

Don't get me wrong, I love my city. I love the hustle and bustle, I love that my family is here to support me and encourages me to be the best I can be on an ongoing basis. However, I feel as though there is something out there better for me in this world. I won't lie, I've been slacking in school. It definitely hasn't been the best of times for me on that campus of mine. I detest the program that I'm stuck in for atleast another year, I despise the fact that I can't cram work and school at the same time because well... other things have just been on my mind. I feel as though I should get a new start in my life. Change how things are in my life. I want to move out, however without the money I'm not able to do so. The city is expensive and I don't want to live near my current school because well... I'm definitely trying to transfer out. I love living with my family, it's comfortable, and I know there are many more things I will have to worry about when I get into the "Real World", however I feel I need some sort of independence. It makes me wish that I was ten, when I felt everything was carefree, when I thought everything was good. When I played Pokemon cards, watched Sailor Moon, marbles, you know all that good good! Original Power Rangers were in, you know... Shit has changed so drastically since I've grown up. I miss all that old school shit. I didn't have to worry about anything back then. Now, how would things actually be now, if I did accept entrance to New York Film Academy?

Life in the Halls of Hell...

2008-09-25T07:58:00.001-04:00

lmao okay I didn't quite know what to name this blog, and I'm in class right now about half an hour early so yes. Anyways on with my story for today. I saw the creepiest thing while on the bus en route to school. A man was driving his car, had a suit jacket on, dress shirt, and tie, boxers.... yup that's right I saw his boxers. He wasn't wearing any pants, and he was jerkin off while driving himself to what I think may have been work. He must not be getting laid or something. It has been the most disturbing 2 seconds of my life, seeing that squashed pea looking stub thing. : but yes, that is my rant for the day.

I regret...

2008-09-06T22:26:00.002-04:00

I regret not changing sooner. I regret allowing you to treat me the way you did. I regret telling you my stories. I regret allowing you into my life. I regret spending time with you. I regret having 8 months with you. I regret meeting you. thanks for ruining my life dickwad.

Complicated...

2008-08-06T10:37:00.001-04:00

Why do things have to be so complicated? I haven't met anyone who quite understands me like he does. Nobody tends to understand my humour, or the problems I go through as much as this one person. But he lives so dang far away :(( . He undestands a way a woman wants to be nurtured, understands how stupid I can be, and hold my interest. He knows problems must be worked out humainly and not in the "let me yell at you, and you yell back" fashion. Now if only things were different...

Years later, and I'm still fighting hard.

2008-07-02T18:57:00.001-04:00

For all of y'all who've wished me a happy birthday I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Most of y'all have been there for me when I've actually needed you the most. We've had our ups and downs, and for anyone who is really close to me...you know I've been going through a bundle of hard times throughout the years but not as much as I have been going through as of the last few months. If you're still in my life now and I've known you throughout the good and bad, grown up together since we were pretty much tiny tots and we've seen how each of us have grown in different ways... that's thick like blood. Each of you have blessed me in different ways, through y'alls love and support I've been able to get through all the negative comments about my body image, those racist comments that I've had coming at me, the problems with people believing that they have the ability to take for granted how nice i can be and so on. I got nothin but love for y'all and even if in the years to come we begin to lose contact with eachother I can wish you all nothing but the best.

I'm Scared....

2008-04-30T12:57:00.001-04:00

I've never felt so caged in my entire life, I've made stupid mistakes in the past but nothing ever as dumb as something like this. I can't go back and change anything that I've done. I can't even say I wish for you to be gone for doing this to me. Thanks to you my life is now fucked up and I will never get my clean slate back again. I wish I could just fuck you up right now so I no longer have to deal with your ass. Do me a favour...don't call me, don't email me...cause I sure as hell won't be paying you any mind ever again. You've fucked everything up for me when I've tried so hard just to better myself, you've just dragged me down with you instead. I hope you get your Just Desserts

I Need Money...

2008-04-28T22:17:00.001-04:00

It isn't as though I haven't been trying to look for a job, I've been putting resumes out there, filling out online applications etc, for probably the past 4 months now and still nothing. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to find some part time work, especially during this time when I need it the most in order to move out of my parent's house. It's not that I don't love living with my parents, it's just that I want more freedom, more of a reason to be me as a person and actually figure out how to make it out in the real world on my own. I don't want to be hand fed everything for the rest of my life, I want independence.

Mr.

2008-02-21T22:09:00.001-05:00

So yesterday I was gonna go to chill with the mister and when I got to the station there was something wrong with the damn subway. I called and told him where I was and how I was stuck lol. He told me to take the shuttle buses that I was honestly not going to be able to get on anytime soon lol. So I looked for a cab in the cold, damn near 10 minutes later I found a cab and was off to his place. : it cost me 15 bucks it was insane!! Anyhoo had a crazy time just listenin to music and chillin talkin about tattoos and piercings. lmao the best conversation had to have been about nipple piercings and the "what if...." factor if a dude was to have nipple piercings. fun times....

My Babe is Back!!

2008-02-10T21:56:00.001-05:00

After approximately 2 weeks of not having heard from his sick ass he's back :). I went to go see him today and I guess it all just started to come back to me as to why I love hanging with him. We can sit or just lie there and nothing has to be said, and there isn't really anything awkward about it. He makes sure everything with me is okay, all the time. It's so cute how he falls asleep, but anytime he feels that I'm trying to get away his arms pull me in closer. He's said he doesn't want to share me with anyone else, he's always making sure I'm alright. I just got home from seeing him a few hours ago and I miss him already. I wanna be lying down and falling asleep in his arms again :(

2008-01-25T11:25:00.001-05:00

Graphics had me out and about looking for Pork Rinds. lol 5 Gateway Newstands, 2 Marketplaces, 1 Rabba, 1 Health Foods (lmao don't ask why I checked there), and a Pharma Plus later....still none. Got a good workout looking for them though. Come back and I'm calling around stores frantically lookin for these damn pork rinds and people are on the phone like "wtf is a pork rind?" or laughin histerically on the phone. lol gawd i love this job.

Fuck a Subliminal.

2008-01-21T21:04:00.000-05:00

I've heard some pretty intolerable crap being said over the past few year. Shit that sounds downright insensitive and ignorant. I love how people are trying to sugar coat things and not say what they really mean in front of someone. You hate em? let em know. Why the hell you tryin to just dog someone out behind their backs? I dont get that shit. See why I don't get a long with a whole lot of chicks? see why I don't tell half the people in the world all my business? Damn. When you start hearing shit coming out my mouth this year it's not gonna be sugar coated. I think you're a dumbass? I'm gonna straight out tell you. I don't feel a need to hold back on my words anymore than I already have. Call me an asshole, call me whatever...but in all honesty some of y'all need to hear what has to be said. Cause y'all just fuckin up the system.

No Holding Back.

2008-01-09T22:18:00.000-05:00

I feel no reason to lie, I haven't done well at all in school this past semester. My heart just hasn't been there to want to even focus my attention on school. Atleast not by being in this faculty, I'm not a fan of Environmental Studies...it's not what I wanted to do. Therefore I really hope I can get my faculty transfer approved for next year. I really want to go into communications studies, I've always wanted to work in either television or radio. But now I'm really wanting to focus on getting into radio and having my own radio show. That's what I want, that's what I will work so hard for. With "him" here I know I can accomplish anything, he's there to push me and dare I say maybe that's why I'm so glad to be with him? With his encouragement I'm definitely doing a lot for myself this year.

Dear The People In My Life....

2008-01-03T12:11:00.001-05:00

Dear Errol and Daris, I'm so thankful to have met you over the past couple of years. You've been a great inspiration to me and I am so appreciative of your efforts in trying to help me become the person I want to be. Especially when we don't even live in the same city, or actually country. You're definitely both like big brothers to me. Hopefully I'll get to see you soon, either when I come back to New York...or we'll meet up at Six Flags. Or wait... Daris said a trip to Hawaii?! haha Loads of Love, Your Apprentice...lol. Dear "Mister Dreadhead", I thank you for your wisdom. I've known you for a little over two years now, but we've never really started to speak much until this August. You make me feel special, you're an amazing person and you take me flaws and all. I enjoy your company all the time, and I know how hard you're working in order to become the person you want to be. I love our long talks about religion, world creation, and of course music. I'm sorry I couldn't really be there in your time of need, but know I'm always here for you when you need it most. *hugs and kisses* Your Lil' Lady Nerd. Dear TM, I miss you ladies dearly. It has been so long since we've all hung out as a group. I definitely mean that, I'll see some of you but we've never been able to set a thing up with all of us girls at once due to our hectic schedules. I miss you all bundles. We've been through so many trying times throughout the past years, and that's definitely a fact. We've had our falling out moments, but for the most part we've been able to hold strong and let go of the weak links that were holding us down to begin with. see y'all hopefully very soon, Chupaz Dear Jermaine, If this were a different circumstance, things may have jumped off. We used to talk on the phone every single day for hours on end, and I kinda miss those conversations that we used to have. Even you singing on the phone lol. It has definitely been a blessing meeting you in the past year. I hope you enjoy living in London. Bless. Ciara Dear Terence, You're amazing! The one dude who doesn't bother me with sexual commentary, I love that about you. Thanks for being there for me to rant and rave to over the past year lol. *smiles* Ciara Dear Caesar, It's been definitely crazy getting to know you over the past couple months. We've known about eachother for atleast 5-6 years now and we've only officially started talking. It's crazy how fast we clicked and you know I'm always here to help you out mayne. St. Quinton will be doing big things in the near future...yuh dunn kno! I'm glad I've been able to make your work days easier with my stupidity, and of course by giving you updates on the latest ball games. See ya soon fams. Cici

Goodbye to Yesteryear.

2008-01-01T19:42:00.001-05:00

The past year was definitely nothing truly out of the ordinary for me it seemed, but I think I've definitely started to learn alot more about myself as a person and the person who I want to become. In the upcoming year I think I can only hold my head high and say "This year is about me, and that's all I intend to be". I was never a big fan of creating a New Year's Resolution and this year is no different although I am making promises to myself. This year I intend to be myself and never change for a soul, even if people don't like it. I'm not intended to sugarcoat anything for anyone, because in the end I am me and noone can change that. So fuck all the bitches who can't seem to leave me alone. I'm leavin all the pain and suffering behind and stepping out as a new me I could care less as to what other people would think of me =] Happy New Year to Y'all

To Your Arms Of Love

2007-12-16T14:31:00.001-05:00

It's weird, I tend to go through phases....and I know people can attest to that lol. I've been known to go through crushing guys like I go through shoes. I don't know what has made this guy different though. He's become such a great friend over the few years that I have known him. We talk on and off a whole damn lot it seems. But it seems like that with every guy I start to crush on. I'll like them, and then they'll pull some bullshit move and I'll just kinda go off in a different direction. There is just something for some reason that keeps pulling me back as Tyrese and Chingy have put it. I don't even know if I want a boyfriend lol. I don't think I'm ready for one at this point in my life, I think I need to be comfortable with myself before I can even put myself out there. This guy is constantly telling me I should be confident in myself, if not 100% confident I need to be somewhat confident. I guess we'll just see how the cards play, I know he'll be there regardless for me to talk to. He's been there to listen to my assfaced comments on music and love, trying to make me sing for over 2 years on a track lol, owes me that gawt dang CD, and been through those bad situations when I just really needed someone to talk to. For that I have to say thank you =]

What's Love Got To Do With It?

2007-10-12T22:38:00.002-04:00

I come home, to empty promises which never seem to be fufilled. I am told that things will be done, nope it's only a call again saying "Ciara, clean the house up". Oh great! Fuck y'all. That's seriously all that was running through my mind. They just tell me to do this in all of 10 minutes and my house is a hot mess so I'm running myself dry tryin to clean the house by myself for a good ten minutes including moving things, putting beer away, cleaning pots and pans and vacuuming But it doesnt matter because they aren't honestly greatful for me doing that for THEM. That shit didn't benefit me any. They don't even end up bringing me home anything to eat when they know there is nothing for me to eat in the house, and they promised they would have brought me something. I couldn't even scavenge anything if my life depended on it. But it doesn't matter right? Because out of this apparent "LOVE" my mother never hesistates to tell me ALL the freakin time that it's okay to skip meals. Because out of this apparent "LOVE" my mom LOVES to tell me I'm fat. Now that's what she considers "love" huh? That's pretty fucked up if you ask me.

Who Am I?

2007-09-29T20:36:00.001-04:00

I have determined that I definitely haven't figured myself out as of yet. I don't know who I want to be, or who I want to become as a person. I have had my share of ups and downs, and for the most part I don't think many people know the true meaning of who "I" am. It's definitely weird that I've come across people in my lifetime, well in the 19 years that I have been living so far, and have never felt more love in my life. There are things that many of these people have just found out about me, especially Alex... I have known him for approximately 5 years now and there are still so many things that he is still learning about my situation. I have never felt so blessed to have people like him in my life who have begun to discover some things about me that I am definitely not proud of, but still he does not judge me for what I have done, but for the person I have become thus far. I can gladly say I love people like him in my life who have become such a big influence in my life and have allowed me to be the woman who I have become, and who I am becoming without the drama, interrogation and judgemental points of view.