20090221, 12:25 AM
No Happily Never After...
"No, happily never after
That just ain't for me, because finally
I know I deserve better after all,
I'll never let another teardrop fall."
-- Pussycat Dolls, "Happy Never After"



This month has been a whirlwind, to say the least. I started going back to school after 12 weeks of my school's contract faculty, TAs and GAs going on strike. Love...let's just say it doesn't exist for me to say the least. The most loving and lasting impression this month has come from family, and friends who actually care. My Best Bud was there for me through it all, and I've got to thank him for that. USPS fucked up my gift for him as well. Family "issues" if you don't know about it...don't care to ask please because I'd rather not bring it up anymore. I'm just glad things are better. Tradgedies...thay came in multiples...I thought '09 was my year? I turn 21 this year, but it looks like instead of taking steps forward I've taken a trek back in the direction I was many years ago. It's not a good thing, and I sincerly don't like it...but I guess that's what's going to make me because I'm not about to let anything or ANYONE break me anymore.

In this past month I think I've learned more about myself than anyone would have ever guessed. I learned that love isn't all it's cracked up to be...or maybe it wasn't love but mere infatuation? who knows. relationships with friends...dont work out for me at all! When shit happens...it happens in multiples...now that I think about it...that's been true all my life. I leave myself vulnerable way too much, I think the walls have become thicker than cement brick that hold up an entire school structure.

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posted by Cici @ 12:25 AM 0 comments

20090119, 5:05 PM
Things I've learned from my boys.
- If guys really wanted hairy pussy, they would have bought themselves a cat
- If they agree like it's going out of style, it may be because they want you to stop nagging
- meeting chicks when you're not sober is like playing Russian roulette. She may have problems or just look horrid
- Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.
- They cry too.
- They love their mommas.
- A guy who really likes you may sacrifice his lunch money in order to make sure you're taken care of
- If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't always need to give advice.
- You can never understand them, unless you listen to them
- They love girls with brains rather than mini skirts, but both wouldn't hurt
- It's not easy for a guy to let go of his girlfriend after they broke up especially when they've been together for 3 years or more
- A guy may instantly know if the girl likes him but can never be sure unless the girl tells him

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posted by Cici @ 5:05 PM 0 comments

20081231, 4:02 PM
A New Day...
Setting the sun on one chapter and openning the next. I have learned a lot over the year and I guess this will just be my way to express things as this old year clears the air and we make way for a bigger and brighter future.

I've learned people should never make new year's resolutions, actually I've known that for a while now...but still I sit here and watch as people make countless resolutions they know they will never in their right mind be able to keep lol.

I realize that you cannot completely move on, without complete closure of past relationships. Regardless how much you think you're over a certain person by just shutting them out, you still in your heart have something there. I've been through that atleast twice this year, and I can't say I'm not still going through this. There is still that feeling of "What if?". I won't live in that wonderous moment, but as I say "things always have their own time for happening. it's either meant to be, or not. you can't force anything". i would never try to force anything, it just wouldn't work out.

I realize that sometimes friendships mellow out like water and disappear, all due to the stupid things that people tend to do. People just can't seem to keep my name out of their mouths, and I'm not willing to bring their drama with me into the new year. It's a fresh start with drama free worries.

Job wise, lets just say recession has been a bitch. Horrible jobs have come my way, but you stick with it because of the money. You have horrible co-workers, people you feel you wouldn't care if you never see a day in your life ever again...umm then you have those great moments filled with people you will never forget. I'm sad to see Air Farce's Final Flight. I'll miss it, and all the people I've met who have been associated with the production, and all those other productions we've worked together. It would have been I believe my fifth season if I was able to work it this year. ahh the good times. Now may the new year be splendid, filled with love, passion for what you do and happiness. Because that's how I'll be starting mine off.

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posted by Cici @ 4:02 PM 1 comments

20081207, 1:55 AM
So Much I Wanna Say
I approached you with butterflies in my stomach the size of birds
And although I haven't spoken, my eyes have said a thousand words
I peered into your soul with a look of extreme passion
Standing in sudden amazement as I watched our chemistry clashin'
I gazed in your eyes and imagined your lips against mine
As I watched our souls dance sexually on cloud 9
And for a fraction of a second, I watched our hearts combine
As we were stuck in this moment, we lost track of all time
My ears listen as hard as they can as words roll off your tongue
And as I inhale, I breathe your passion deep into my lung
I stood beside you hoping you shared feelings the same
As I felt your heart's desire fall upon my skin like rain
And as I placed my hand ever so gently in yours
I threw down my blackbook and opened my committment doors
My heart begins to race a thousand beats per minute
As I see a picture of happiness and you and I were in it
Then we kissed and I think my body reached ecstacy
Then I opened my eyes and realized you were not next to me
Baby this is how I feel, but I don't know how to approach you
So I put my heart in this poem and baby, this is what I wrote for you

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posted by Cici @ 1:55 AM 1 comments

20081122, 1:06 AM
My True Love
I place my hand upon your chest,
as I feel the significance of your warm embrace.
Feeling so soft and sensual,
with lips that hold no taste.


Opening my arms wide,
in order to free my soul.
Love is something unconditional,
something I can't let go.


More than just a lover,
you've become my bestfriend.
Whatever comes between us,
I'll be here 'til the end.


My heart is filled with joy,
what used to hold my tears.
Falling in love with you,
was the greatest of all my fears.


My heart was broken once before,
I don't need that once again.
You now make me feel complete,
my homie, lover, friend.

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posted by Cici @ 1:06 AM 1 comments

20081027, 8:06 PM
Stuck Where We Are...
"With you is where I’d rather be, but we’re stuck where we are. It’s so hard, you’re so far... This long distance is killing me. I wish that you are here with me, but we’re stuck where we are it’s so hard, you’re so far... This long distance is killing me."
-- Brandy, "Long Distance"
Apparently this will be Brandy's new single. It holds a load of meaning to me at the moment, however that's not the reason I chose to write about this song. I just had an idea for a video scenario using this song. The idea I see behind this song is somewhat like Greenday's "When September Ends". You look at love, you look at family, and the only way of communication that people in the army, navy, air forces...etc have with their loved ones. Distance has become a factor in many of our relationships, regardless if we're living so close, sometimes things start to feel as if they're so out of reach.
I know friends who go through relationships like this all the time, the love is always there...however things like work, school, etc create a distancing between the two individuals. Lack of communication starts and you just start to distance yourself more from the ones you love. If anything, by being in this specific situation myself I have learned that you must continue communication, you can't just set up walls for yourself. Regardless if there is school, work, etc... there has to be some sort of time to speak to those you love, even if it's just a phone call or an email, or text... There has to be some form of affection displayed on both parts before all is lost. What could have been the best thing to happen to you, could be lost forever in a blink of an eye.

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posted by Cici @ 8:06 PM 0 comments

20081020, 10:52 PM
Ladies Man
I gave my little ladies man a mohawk today. I only get to see him about once or twice a week. I still remember when he was a baby, I can't believe he will be turning 2 very shortly. I caught him today watching some show and treehouse singing along with it haha. He likes to play video games already too!! I had him playing with the wii today and he loved it! I think I'm going to have to buy him video games as he grows up. I swear babies grow up in the blink of an eye. I mean Nicholas just turned 2, Cameron will be turning 2 in a few weeks, and one of my aunt's will be having her first child. I think my mom's side of the family just has way too many younger cousins coming about. My brother used to be the only boy, and then I came, then there were the slew of girls until Nicholas was born. Ahh big families...gotta love it, but gotta hate it at the same time.

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posted by Cici @ 10:52 PM 0 comments

20080806, 10:37 AM
Complicated...
Why do things have to be so complicated? I haven't met anyone who quite understands me like he does. Nobody tends to understand my humour, or the problems I go through as much as this one person. But he lives so dang far away :(( . He undestands a way a woman wants to be nurtured, understands how stupid I can be, and hold my interest. He knows problems must be worked out humainly and not in the "let me yell at you, and you yell back" fashion. Now if only things were different...

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posted by Cici @ 10:37 AM 0 comments

20080702, 6:57 PM
Years later, and I'm still fighting hard.
For all of y'all who've wished me a happy birthday I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Most of y'all have been there for me when I've actually needed you the most. We've had our ups and downs, and for anyone who is really close to me...you know I've been going through a bundle of hard times throughout the years but not as much as I have been going through as of the last few months. If you're still in my life now and I've known you throughout the good and bad, grown up together since we were pretty much tiny tots and we've seen how each of us have grown in different ways... that's thick like blood. Each of you have blessed me in different ways, through y'alls love and support I've been able to get through all the negative comments about my body image, those racist comments that I've had coming at me, the problems with people believing that they have the ability to take for granted how nice i can be and so on. I got nothin but love for y'all and even if in the years to come we begin to lose contact with eachother I can wish you all nothing but the best.

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posted by Cici @ 6:57 PM 0 comments

20080221, 10:09 PM
Mr.
So yesterday I was gonna go to chill with the mister and when I got to the station there was something wrong with the damn subway. I called and told him where I was and how I was stuck lol. He told me to take the shuttle buses that I was honestly not going to be able to get on anytime soon lol. So I looked for a cab in the cold, damn near 10 minutes later I found a cab and was off to his place. : it cost me 15 bucks it was insane!! Anyhoo had a crazy time just listenin to music and chillin talkin about tattoos and piercings. lmao the best conversation had to have been about nipple piercings and the "what if...." factor if a dude was to have nipple piercings. fun times....

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posted by Cici @ 10:09 PM 0 comments

20080210, 9:56 PM
My Babe is Back!!
After approximately 2 weeks of not having heard from his sick ass he's back :). I went to go see him today and I guess it all just started to come back to me as to why I love hanging with him. We can sit or just lie there and nothing has to be said, and there isn't really anything awkward about it. He makes sure everything with me is okay, all the time. It's so cute how he falls asleep, but anytime he feels that I'm trying to get away his arms pull me in closer. He's said he doesn't want to share me with anyone else, he's always making sure I'm alright. I just got home from seeing him a few hours ago and I miss him already. I wanna be lying down and falling asleep in his arms again :(

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posted by Cici @ 9:56 PM 0 comments

20080103, 12:11 PM
Dear The People In My Life....
Dear Errol and Daris, I'm so thankful to have met you over the past couple of years. You've been a great inspiration to me and I am so appreciative of your efforts in trying to help me become the person I want to be. Especially when we don't even live in the same city, or actually country. You're definitely both like big brothers to me. Hopefully I'll get to see you soon, either when I come back to New York...or we'll meet up at Six Flags. Or wait... Daris said a trip to Hawaii?! haha Loads of Love, Your Apprentice...lol. Dear "Mister Dreadhead", I thank you for your wisdom. I've known you for a little over two years now, but we've never really started to speak much until this August. You make me feel special, you're an amazing person and you take me flaws and all. I enjoy your company all the time, and I know how hard you're working in order to become the person you want to be. I love our long talks about religion, world creation, and of course music. I'm sorry I couldn't really be there in your time of need, but know I'm always here for you when you need it most. *hugs and kisses* Your Lil' Lady Nerd. Dear TM, I miss you ladies dearly. It has been so long since we've all hung out as a group. I definitely mean that, I'll see some of you but we've never been able to set a thing up with all of us girls at once due to our hectic schedules. I miss you all bundles. We've been through so many trying times throughout the past years, and that's definitely a fact. We've had our falling out moments, but for the most part we've been able to hold strong and let go of the weak links that were holding us down to begin with. see y'all hopefully very soon, Chupaz Dear Jermaine, If this were a different circumstance, things may have jumped off. We used to talk on the phone every single day for hours on end, and I kinda miss those conversations that we used to have. Even you singing on the phone lol. It has definitely been a blessing meeting you in the past year. I hope you enjoy living in London. Bless. Ciara Dear Terence, You're amazing! The one dude who doesn't bother me with sexual commentary, I love that about you. Thanks for being there for me to rant and rave to over the past year lol. *smiles* Ciara Dear Caesar, It's been definitely crazy getting to know you over the past couple months. We've known about eachother for atleast 5-6 years now and we've only officially started talking. It's crazy how fast we clicked and you know I'm always here to help you out mayne. St. Quinton will be doing big things in the near future...yuh dunn kno! I'm glad I've been able to make your work days easier with my stupidity, and of course by giving you updates on the latest ball games. See ya soon fams. Cici

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posted by Cici @ 12:11 PM 0 comments

20071216, 2:31 PM
To Your Arms Of Love
It's weird, I tend to go through phases....and I know people can attest to that lol. I've been known to go through crushing guys like I go through shoes. I don't know what has made this guy different though. He's become such a great friend over the few years that I have known him. We talk on and off a whole damn lot it seems. But it seems like that with every guy I start to crush on. I'll like them, and then they'll pull some bullshit move and I'll just kinda go off in a different direction. There is just something for some reason that keeps pulling me back as Tyrese and Chingy have put it. I don't even know if I want a boyfriend lol. I don't think I'm ready for one at this point in my life, I think I need to be comfortable with myself before I can even put myself out there. This guy is constantly telling me I should be confident in myself, if not 100% confident I need to be somewhat confident. I guess we'll just see how the cards play, I know he'll be there regardless for me to talk to. He's been there to listen to my assfaced comments on music and love, trying to make me sing for over 2 years on a track lol, owes me that gawt dang CD, and been through those bad situations when I just really needed someone to talk to. For that I have to say thank you =]

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posted by Cici @ 2:31 PM 0 comments

20071012, 10:38 PM
What's Love Got To Do With It?
I come home, to empty promises which never seem to be fufilled. I am told that things will be done, nope it's only a call again saying "Ciara, clean the house up". Oh great! Fuck y'all. That's seriously all that was running through my mind. They just tell me to do this in all of 10 minutes and my house is a hot mess so I'm running myself dry tryin to clean the house by myself for a good ten minutes including moving things, putting beer away, cleaning pots and pans and vacuuming But it doesnt matter because they aren't honestly greatful for me doing that for THEM. That shit didn't benefit me any. They don't even end up bringing me home anything to eat when they know there is nothing for me to eat in the house, and they promised they would have brought me something. I couldn't even scavenge anything if my life depended on it. But it doesn't matter right? Because out of this apparent "LOVE" my mother never hesistates to tell me ALL the freakin time that it's okay to skip meals. Because out of this apparent "LOVE" my mom LOVES to tell me I'm fat. Now that's what she considers "love" huh? That's pretty fucked up if you ask me.

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posted by Cici @ 10:38 PM 0 comments

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Hi there, I'm Cici. That's what people tend to call me anyway. I'm 20 years old, and have been statistically challenged practically all my life. Music is my passion. I wouldn't give up the ability to hear for anything in my life. I've practically lived my whole life in Toronto. This city is mine. I'm a sucker for shoes. Yes, Shoes! No, I do not have some sort of foot fetish. I just like purchasing shoes. Especially a good pair of sneakers or flats. I have made many mistakes in my life, but that's what helps me grow as a person. I wouldn't change that for anything in the world. This is me, the real me. My life is totally unscripted. This is a dose of reality. My reality. Welcome to my world.

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