It's reality...bitch, deal with it.

20090324, 9:51 PM

Dream.

A thousand aspiring souls arrive every day in this city of angels with a single dream. They are all kids trying to make it.

- A. De la Rosa I'm stepping up in the game, I'm trying to make it out here with no day off. But it feels like a day off, where's the payoff?

Labels: Quote, Self Discovery

posted by Cici @ 9:51 PM 0 comments

20090221, 12:25 AM

No Happily Never After...

"No, happily never after
That just ain't for me, because finally
I know I deserve better after all,
I'll never let another teardrop fall."
-- Pussycat Dolls, "Happy Never After"

This month has been a whirlwind, to say the least. I started going back to school after 12 weeks of my school's contract faculty, TAs and GAs going on strike. Love...let's just say it doesn't exist for me to say the least. The most loving and lasting impression this month has come from family, and friends who actually care. My Best Bud was there for me through it all, and I've got to thank him for that. USPS fucked up my gift for him as well. Family "issues" if you don't know about it...don't care to ask please because I'd rather not bring it up anymore. I'm just glad things are better. Tradgedies...thay came in multiples...I thought '09 was my year? I turn 21 this year, but it looks like instead of taking steps forward I've taken a trek back in the direction I was many years ago. It's not a good thing, and I sincerly don't like it...but I guess that's what's going to make me because I'm not about to let anything or ANYONE break me anymore.

In this past month I think I've learned more about myself than anyone would have ever guessed. I learned that love isn't all it's cracked up to be...or maybe it wasn't love but mere infatuation? who knows. relationships with friends...dont work out for me at all! When shit happens...it happens in multiples...now that I think about it...that's been true all my life. I leave myself vulnerable way too much, I think the walls have become thicker than cement brick that hold up an entire school structure.

Labels: Friendship, Love, Self Discovery

posted by Cici @ 12:25 AM 0 comments

20090203, 12:48 AM

Too Emotional...

It's been too much of a whirlwind roller coaster ride today. hurt...has become the lasting impression i guess you could say of the day. Tommorrow is a new day, tommorrow is different...tonight i'm cutting things out. refreshing myself...deleting many things. throwing out things cause i can't sleep. best advice given "don't let them break you". I won't. I'm giving myself a fresh palette. I don't want to retrace old steps, never did...never will. Bottling in won't work...I guess I gotta rely on my best bud, my book of poems, and a new journal must be purchased. Shit can't be published about things like this...people will read into it and try excuses. Tash...I'm gonna miss you girl.

Labels: Friendship, Self Discovery

posted by Cici @ 12:48 AM 0 comments

20090202, 4:50 PM

Blocked off, Blocked out.

The walls have become thick, higher than the CN tower, and I don't know when or how it's going to come back down again. I don't think opening myself up to vulnerability will ever be something I will allow lightly. I'm straight faced right now, and probably will be for a while. It's me against the world again, my life rests on my shoulders, and it's not going to change. Friendships lost, connections once gained are thrown out the window...things change I guess. No matter how hard I tried to act... it hurts, I guess. Back to the basics it is...

Labels: Self Discovery

posted by Cici @ 4:50 PM 0 comments

20090119, 11:28 AM

Deceit.

This seems to be a definite problem with my life. I notice more and more that I must be weary of how much I can trust a person. No matter how much I want to trust you it's hard because I don't know what constituted your lying to me to begin with. So yes, that gives me a reason to be weary of what you've told me. Although, I'd love to say I can put the past behind us, and allow us to grow I question your motives. You just can't trust motherfuckers these days in this world. The more it seems I get to know a person, the more it seems I find the truth behind them. The way they just want to get to know you in order to benefit from your financial status, the way they think they can manipulate you into believing any/everything they have to say. I find it hysterical.

Labels: Friendship, Self Discovery

posted by Cici @ 11:28 AM 1 comments

20090118, 10:55 PM

School's a bitch.

I've finally come to the definite realization that this strike happening is fucking up my entire school year, not to mention a job that I could have had lined up for me when school was over. Due to the fact that the government would not pull in and force a back to work legislation, I may perhaps be out of a job this summer which would have paid me a whopping 13.50/hour for doing absolutely nothing. I'd just like to thank the York Falculty and the Ontario Legislature for fucking with my entire year. I've been out of school now since November 6th, 2008. Last I checked, that's been approximately two and a half months...correct? When we get back into classes there will be a two week period, in which I am to cram for winter exams? Then 11 weeks of classes before another 2 weeks of exams? How does this benefit my being? You're cramming an extra 2 months supply of assignments, and readings into this period, which will make things extremely rushed, and will not allow me to put my all into my program. I have already paid...IN FULL, may I add, my tuition since the beginning on the winter term. We should have started our spring term as of January 6th, and you're fuckin with me! If the ratification is not voted 'yes' as of Tuesday. I swear I'm gonna go apeshits all up on the York Campus. I don't know how York is expecting me to pay for tuition fees next year, fees are rising...and now that I'll be stuck in school until atleast late May. I won't be able to pay off next year's tuition, resorting in loans I will have to take out. Those loans will be harder for me too, because my parents make enough money, PLUS there will be a ton of others stuck in the same predicament as me. YOU FUCKIN SLUMBAGS!

Labels: School, Self Discovery

posted by Cici @ 10:55 PM 1 comments

20081231, 4:02 PM

A New Day...

Setting the sun on one chapter and openning the next. I have learned a lot over the year and I guess this will just be my way to express things as this old year clears the air and we make way for a bigger and brighter future.

I've learned people should never make new year's resolutions, actually I've known that for a while now...but still I sit here and watch as people make countless resolutions they know they will never in their right mind be able to keep lol.

I realize that you cannot completely move on, without complete closure of past relationships. Regardless how much you think you're over a certain person by just shutting them out, you still in your heart have something there. I've been through that atleast twice this year, and I can't say I'm not still going through this. There is still that feeling of "What if?". I won't live in that wonderous moment, but as I say "things always have their own time for happening. it's either meant to be, or not. you can't force anything". i would never try to force anything, it just wouldn't work out.

I realize that sometimes friendships mellow out like water and disappear, all due to the stupid things that people tend to do. People just can't seem to keep my name out of their mouths, and I'm not willing to bring their drama with me into the new year. It's a fresh start with drama free worries.

Job wise, lets just say recession has been a bitch. Horrible jobs have come my way, but you stick with it because of the money. You have horrible co-workers, people you feel you wouldn't care if you never see a day in your life ever again...umm then you have those great moments filled with people you will never forget. I'm sad to see Air Farce's Final Flight. I'll miss it, and all the people I've met who have been associated with the production, and all those other productions we've worked together. It would have been I believe my fifth season if I was able to work it this year. ahh the good times. Now may the new year be splendid, filled with love, passion for what you do and happiness. Because that's how I'll be starting mine off.

Labels: Family, Friendship, Life, Love, Self Discovery

posted by Cici @ 4:02 PM 1 comments

20081122, 1:06 AM

My True Love

I place my hand upon your chest,
as I feel the significance of your warm embrace.
Feeling so soft and sensual,
with lips that hold no taste.

Opening my arms wide,
in order to free my soul.
Love is something unconditional,
something I can't let go.

More than just a lover,
you've become my bestfriend.
Whatever comes between us,
I'll be here 'til the end.

My heart is filled with joy,
what used to hold my tears.
Falling in love with you,
was the greatest of all my fears.

My heart was broken once before,
I don't need that once again.
You now make me feel complete,
my homie, lover, friend.

Labels: Friendship, Love, Poem, Self Discovery

posted by Cici @ 1:06 AM 1 comments

20081118, 3:07 PM

Where Do I Go From Here?

It's been a while since I've been at school, okay so nearly two weeks. However, that's still a long time and now I don't know if I can get back into the school sleeping habits if I do indeed start school again soon. I've already been struggling with the subject matter this year and have been thinking where is this degree going to take me? How many more years will I have to spend in school considering I will most likely have to go for my masters in order to get somewhere decent. I just don't know if I really want to turn back and start all over again either, it has been hard enough as is. I hate science, yet look where I have ended up. Environmental Studies lol which also just equals loads and loads of science. But where in the world will this take me??

Labels: Life, Self Discovery

posted by Cici @ 3:07 PM 0 comments

20081019, 8:36 PM

To Give In...or Stay Focused.

"It's easier to give into the pressures of life. It's harder to get over when you try to do right. Just stay focused and keep your goals in site." -Etana, Wrong Address

Over the past few weeks I've been giving a load of thought on the pressures of school. I've been slacking like a bitch, and this weekend I decided that's not where I want to be. I don't want to bitch out because I despise this program, I think I will actually attempt to stick it through. I had over a hundred pages of readings, essays, essay outlines and an exam scheduled to be done for this week and by putting my mind to it I've been able to atleast get half of it done.

I'm not one to just quit, I know I have to stay focused in order to get where I want to be in life. Although it may not help by just having a university degree by the end of my four years to get where I want to be, I know it will indeed help somewhat to lead me into a path I want to take. By starting this Environmental Studies degree, it has only helped me realize how much more my heart is actually in Radio and Television. That is where I want to be, so I'm going to be focused, I'm going to excel and I'm going to find a way to make my dreams come true. I'm not gonna sit back and watch life pass me by.

Labels: Self Discovery

posted by Cici @ 8:36 PM 0 comments

20081018, 10:30 PM

"I Get Knocked Down...

but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down" Friends seem to come and go, now I'm beginning to believe I'm having one of those Lauren Conrad styled dramatic sequences in my own life. People who I tended to think were my friends in the beginning have started to spread some rumours, and have tried to take me down as though I have done something completely degrading to them. I'd love to know what or who has started saying certain things about me, but I mean whatever it is rumours can only help me better myself right? I've been very selective over the friends I have come across for the past several years now, I have officially started to spend more time at home than anything else because of this. No, it isn't because I have become a book nerd, or whatever you wish to call me. It's because I don't find the need to go out all the time anymore. I go to school, go to the gym, go to my sporting events, and then I'm probably at home most of the time. That's helped me better myself as a person as make me realize a load of things about myself, much of which are stupid decisions I have found I made in the past about who I became friends with. Over the past few years, certain situations have landed me in a few predicaments...trying to hurt me or abuse my being as I can sometimes come off overly nice. Well look at it all this way, I'm still here, still fighting hard. I'm like a ball...I bounce back fuckers.

Labels: Friendship, Self Discovery

posted by Cici @ 10:30 PM 0 comments

20081017, 10:50 PM

Homesick? or Just Sick of Home?

Don't get me wrong, I love my city. I love the hustle and bustle, I love that my family is here to support me and encourages me to be the best I can be on an ongoing basis. However, I feel as though there is something out there better for me in this world. I won't lie, I've been slacking in school. It definitely hasn't been the best of times for me on that campus of mine. I detest the program that I'm stuck in for atleast another year, I despise the fact that I can't cram work and school at the same time because well... other things have just been on my mind. I feel as though I should get a new start in my life. Change how things are in my life. I want to move out, however without the money I'm not able to do so. The city is expensive and I don't want to live near my current school because well... I'm definitely trying to transfer out. I love living with my family, it's comfortable, and I know there are many more things I will have to worry about when I get into the "Real World", however I feel I need some sort of independence. It makes me wish that I was ten, when I felt everything was carefree, when I thought everything was good. When I played Pokemon cards, watched Sailor Moon, marbles, you know all that good good! Original Power Rangers were in, you know... Shit has changed so drastically since I've grown up. I miss all that old school shit. I didn't have to worry about anything back then. Now, how would things actually be now, if I did accept entrance to New York Film Academy?

Labels: Childhood, Family, Friendship, Self Discovery

posted by Cici @ 10:50 PM 0 comments

20080906, 10:26 PM

I regret...

I regret not changing sooner. I regret allowing you to treat me the way you did. I regret telling you my stories. I regret allowing you into my life. I regret spending time with you. I regret having 8 months with you. I regret meeting you. thanks for ruining my life dickwad.

Labels: Anger, Self Discovery

posted by Cici @ 10:26 PM 0 comments

20080702, 6:57 PM

Years later, and I'm still fighting hard.

For all of y'all who've wished me a happy birthday I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Most of y'all have been there for me when I've actually needed you the most. We've had our ups and downs, and for anyone who is really close to me...you know I've been going through a bundle of hard times throughout the years but not as much as I have been going through as of the last few months. If you're still in my life now and I've known you throughout the good and bad, grown up together since we were pretty much tiny tots and we've seen how each of us have grown in different ways... that's thick like blood. Each of you have blessed me in different ways, through y'alls love and support I've been able to get through all the negative comments about my body image, those racist comments that I've had coming at me, the problems with people believing that they have the ability to take for granted how nice i can be and so on. I got nothin but love for y'all and even if in the years to come we begin to lose contact with eachother I can wish you all nothing but the best.

Labels: Friendship, Love, Self Discovery

posted by Cici @ 6:57 PM 0 comments

20080430, 12:57 PM

I'm Scared....

I've never felt so caged in my entire life, I've made stupid mistakes in the past but nothing ever as dumb as something like this. I can't go back and change anything that I've done. I can't even say I wish for you to be gone for doing this to me. Thanks to you my life is now fucked up and I will never get my clean slate back again. I wish I could just fuck you up right now so I no longer have to deal with your ass. Do me a favour...don't call me, don't email me...cause I sure as hell won't be paying you any mind ever again. You've fucked everything up for me when I've tried so hard just to better myself, you've just dragged me down with you instead. I hope you get your Just Desserts

Labels: Anger, Self Discovery

posted by Cici @ 12:57 PM 0 comments

20080428, 10:17 PM

I Need Money...

It isn't as though I haven't been trying to look for a job, I've been putting resumes out there, filling out online applications etc, for probably the past 4 months now and still nothing. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to find some part time work, especially during this time when I need it the most in order to move out of my parent's house. It's not that I don't love living with my parents, it's just that I want more freedom, more of a reason to be me as a person and actually figure out how to make it out in the real world on my own. I don't want to be hand fed everything for the rest of my life, I want independence.

Labels: Self Discovery, Work

posted by Cici @ 10:17 PM 0 comments

20080101, 7:42 PM

Goodbye to Yesteryear.

The past year was definitely nothing truly out of the ordinary for me it seemed, but I think I've definitely started to learn alot more about myself as a person and the person who I want to become. In the upcoming year I think I can only hold my head high and say "This year is about me, and that's all I intend to be". I was never a big fan of creating a New Year's Resolution and this year is no different although I am making promises to myself. This year I intend to be myself and never change for a soul, even if people don't like it. I'm not intended to sugarcoat anything for anyone, because in the end I am me and noone can change that. So fuck all the bitches who can't seem to leave me alone. I'm leavin all the pain and suffering behind and stepping out as a new me I could care less as to what other people would think of me =] Happy New Year to Y'all

Labels: Self Discovery

posted by Cici @ 7:42 PM 0 comments

20070929, 8:36 PM

Who Am I?

I have determined that I definitely haven't figured myself out as of yet. I don't know who I want to be, or who I want to become as a person. I have had my share of ups and downs, and for the most part I don't think many people know the true meaning of who "I" am. It's definitely weird that I've come across people in my lifetime, well in the 19 years that I have been living so far, and have never felt more love in my life. There are things that many of these people have just found out about me, especially Alex... I have known him for approximately 5 years now and there are still so many things that he is still learning about my situation. I have never felt so blessed to have people like him in my life who have begun to discover some things about me that I am definitely not proud of, but still he does not judge me for what I have done, but for the person I have become thus far. I can gladly say I love people like him in my life who have become such a big influence in my life and have allowed me to be the woman who I have become, and who I am becoming without the drama, interrogation and judgemental points of view.

Labels: Friendship, Self Discovery

posted by Cici @ 8:36 PM 0 comments

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About

Hi there, I'm Cici. That's what people tend to call me anyway. I'm 20 years old, and have been statistically challenged practically all my life. Music is my passion. I wouldn't give up the ability to hear for anything in my life. I've practically lived my whole life in Toronto. This city is mine. I'm a sucker for shoes. Yes, Shoes! No, I do not have some sort of foot fetish. I just like purchasing shoes. Especially a good pair of sneakers or flats. I have made many mistakes in my life, but that's what helps me grow as a person. I wouldn't change that for anything in the world. This is me, the real me. My life is totally unscripted. This is a dose of reality. My reality. Welcome to my world.

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